I want to start by saying I am not a writer and never have been good with it. I have horrible grammar and still can’t spell the word maintenance without spellcheck. These blog post are coming directly from my heart and may not even make sense. I am here to show up as authentically as I can and so is my writing. I hope by reading this you pick up on the feelings I am sharing instead of the words I am writing.
I recently shared a post on Instagram touching on some of the shadow work I have been doing. It stated, “Death and life. Darkness and light. Pain and love. Oppositions embraced by the full moon. Sun in Virgo, Moon in Pisces. Dancing with the polarities of inner self and current emotions. Grief has an interesting way of shattering every piece of yourself that you thought you knew. A soul lost in translation and transition. No more running around to find the pieces. I am the pieces, all of it, dark and lighter. Embrace the darkness. Be the darkness. This darkness is me shedding a layer of the illusion I once knew. Darkness and light. Life and death. Pain and love. All one.
Don’t send me love and light. It won’t heal my wounds. Send me space to explore every aspect of my inner being. Hold me in a space that allows for my pain to become part of my essence. A space that will forever be heavy and dark. In unity with my light. “
I can’t even begin to express the pain I face on a daily basis and how hard it is to navigate life now. My grief has been filled with an entire galaxy of spinning emotions and feelings. To me grief is so lonely, no one can compare or relate to my experience. I often talk about how this was my worst case scenario, one person in this world I would beg you not to take out. And so here I am writing this without one of the most important people in my life. Every aspect of my being has been shattered. That is the only way I know how to explain it, everything I thought I knew, everything I thought I knew about myself, shattered into a million pieces. Who am I without this person? Where do I get the love I am no longer receiving? WHY? WHY? and WHY???? Who am I now? What do I love? What brings me joy? I have no idea who I am and what I like. Things that used to bring me joy seem joyless. I seem to be stuck in the illusion that I will get an answer to my WHY? How can I live the rest of my life without getting answer to my question? WHY?
It has been a daily struggle embracing grief and continuing to live my life. I am sure you can ask my partner and he would be able to tell you from his perspective how much grief has fucked me. I can’t function like a normal human. The smallest thing sends me into a spiraling circle of sadness and pain. Grocery shopping…. no way, I end up crying by aisle 3. Dinner date with my partner….nope, I end up crying uncontrollably and everyone thinks he just broke up with me. Watching a movie……nope, something in this movie is going to cause me pain. Pretty much anytime I see children I am reminded of how my nephews lives are changed and at some point they will have to hold this terrible pain of losing their mother. ANYTHING and EVERYTHING makes me sad. so imagine trying to continue living your normal life when you hold this much pain 24/7. It is impossible. I am my own worst enemy in this process. Constantly battling two sides of myself. I call these two sides my true authentic self, and my grief. This is what I sometime refer to as my dark and light side, both me in different manifestations.
Grief is like the rug was pulled out from under you and then you realized the rug that supported you for so long was actually an illusion in the first place. The rug is an illusion of stability that can never actually be accomplished. Surrender to the fact that any moment your loved ones can die, you can die, nothing is ever stable. The moment I accept the fact that life is out of my control and stability( the rug) is never something I will feel again, I was able to start processing the shadow work. The part of me that is pissed I can’t control anything, the part of me that wants to punch something because my loved ones are hurting so bad my body can’t hold it, and the part of me that wants to scream for all of those who lost people and for ALL of us that will experience loss at some point. Death is the only certain in this existence and that fucking sucks.
A example of shadow work I am currently processing is compassion. Comparing my grief to others pain has been one of my biggest obstacles. My compassion and empathy has taken a deep dive into the depths of not giving a fuck. I feel like I can’t even talk to my friends because their pain to me seems minimal. This is part of my shadow work, my polarity. I love them yet I don’t feel compassion for anything they are experiencing. One of my core pieces of identity (being compassionate) has disappeared and I am struggling to get it back.
This is shocking considering that I have a Master Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling a place where compassion and empathy are crucial. Don’t get me wrong, I am a damn good therapist and I have so much compassion for my clients but the problem is that I have to show up as two different people. I have to throw my grief in a basket on my way out the door and come to work like I am a normal human. I repeat the phrase ” I hear you” “what you are experiencing is understandable” to my clients all the time, why can’t I repeat this phrase to myself. No wonder I feel like I lost myself, I have to compartmentalize myself EVERYDAY! I have to show up as this piece or that piece never both. When will there be a space I can show up as all my broken pieces? Where can I hold both the dark and light?
So I come back to my instagram post from earlier. Don’t send me love and light, send me space to explore these pieces of myself. Give me space where I can hold all the pieces and sort through them. Send me space I don’t have to compartmentalize and time to see that pain is part of existence. I want space to redefine my relationship to sadness and pain, and space to let them in. Death and life. Darkness and light. Pain and love.